Petition to keep the Federal Family Education Loan Program

Petition:

http://www.cbanet.org/Applications/Forms/FormDisplay.cfm?FormID=8619

The President's FY 2010 Budget proposal would eliminate the Federal Family Education Loan Program, effective July 1, 2010.  At that time all new federal student and parent loans would be made by the Federal Direct Loan Program. Approximately 4,400 schools would have to switch programs. We invite financial aid professionals, parents, students, student loan professionals and concerned citizens to sign the following petition:  

We, the undersigned, respectfully urge the Congress to preserve choice and competition in the federal student loan program. Competition between lenders that make federally guaranteed loans and competition between the two major federal student loan programs have led to significant and continuous improvements in service levels and quality and borrower benefits that reduce loan costs for students and parents.

Therefore, we urge Congress not to accept the Administration's Budget proposal to eliminate the Federal Family Education Loan Program and to work on a bipartisan basis to preserve a stronger private sector-based federal student loan program that 

Provides student and parent borrowers a meaningful choice of lenders,

Offers postsecondary institutions a meaningful choice of student loan delivery and servicing

Offers borrowers and postsecondary institutions the wide array of delinquency, financial literacy and default prevention programs that promote responsible borrowing and repayment and minimize defaults.

Taylor W. Hickem's personal statement on the issue:

My experience with student loans, federal and private, is that the private loans hands down offer better service in terms of interest rates, customer service, application process, and flexibility of loan terms. I do not enjoy dealing with the inefficiency of the federal loan process, with their non-functioning website that directs users to their phone service, and wait times on the phone service of up to 20 min. 

Competition is the force that breeds quality. 

For clarification, education is a public issue, and federal tax dollars should be spent on lowering the risk associated with investing in higher education. There are better ways to do that then managing the financing of these loans through the federal agencies. 

There is nothing wrong with continuing to federally subsidize interest rates on private student loans, or alternatively to federally fund credit default protection insurance contracts for the lenders to reduce the risk associated with issuing unsecured loans to prospective and current college students. 

The governments primary responsibility is to reduce the risk and encourage education funding from the private sector, not to administer the financing themselves. 

The government is not a financial institution, this is not its core function. This is a waste of taxpayer money, and an inefficient way of funding higher education.

Sen. Mel Martinez stance on travel to Cuba softens

Mel softens his stance, good guy = )

Source:
http://martinez.senate.gov/public/?p=NewsReleases&ContentRecord_id=a6628754-6332-426d-95eb-2385036bfdc6

April 13, 2009

Statement on Obama Administration Change to Cuba Policy

WASHINGTON - U.S. Senator Mel Martinez (R-FL) today made the following statement in response to President Obama's announcement to ease family travel restrictions to Cuba and relax family-to-family remittances sent to the country.

Martinez said:

"The announcement today is good news for Cuban families separated by the lack of freedom in Cuba. Likewise the change in remittances should provide help to families in need. Given these changes will benefit the regime in Havana, it would be wise in the implementation to place some reasonable limits on this type of travel and the amounts that can be sent to Cuba.

"The President has expressed his commitment to freedom - libertad - for the Cuban people, and policy implementation should advance that objective. To this end, the Administration is right to call on the Cuban government to end the onerous charge of 20 percent on remittances. Lowering remittance charges and allowing travel for Cuban families wishing to see relatives abroad are two steps the Cuban regime could immediately take that would show change in Havana."

compare this statement to just a few weeks ago

March 31, 2009

Statement on Legislation Promoting U.S. Tourist Travel to Cuba

WASHINGTON - U.S. Senator Mel Martinez (R-FL) issued the following statement today in response to the reintroduction of legislation to promote U.S. tourist travel to Cuba.

"This is the time to support pro-democracy activists in Cuba, not provide the Castro regime with a resource windfall. Changing travel restrictions for U.S. citizens will simply allow Americans to contribute to the resources available to the Castro regime to perpetuate its repression. My fellow senators should be standing in solidarity and showing support for the 11 million Cubans who are suffering under the Cuban regime, instead of making it easier for Americans to vacation in Cuba.

"The behavior of the current Cuba government of Raul Castro continues to underscore its repressive nature. 54 of the 75 peaceful activists arrested in the ‘black spring' crackdown of 2003 remain in prison. Their only ‘crime' was trying to exercise their civil and political rights. Jorge Luis Garcia, ‘Antunez,' has now reached his 43rd day of a hunger strike asking for justice for and an end to the torture of political prisoners as well as for the right of Cubans to publish human rights commitments made to the United Nations by the regime. My fellow senators should be supporting these individuals and all Cubans struggling for basic human rights.

"I continue to oppose this legislation that unilaterally changes our policy toward Cuba but asks the oppressors for nothing in return."

Letter to Senator Mel Martinez

To Sen. Mel Martinez,

Hello Senator, my name is Taylor W. Hickem, and I am a constituent from Delray Beach, FL. I am writing to recommend that you support HR 874 "Freedom to Travel to Cuba" to show your support for change in a legacy of infringement of basic human right to travel and pursuit of happiness on US and Cuban citizens for almost 50 years. I am also speaking on behalf of my Cuban American friends, who are ready for change, and are tired of a US infringement on their freedom of travel.

I am an engineer and a global citizen, and have traveled to over 20 different countries, including Cuba. Having spent my childhood in Florida, I am aware of the stereotypical characteristics of a tourist; with their suntan lotion, wallets, unfamiliarity with local customs, and of course, their cameras. While these are the stereotypes that I'm sure you were referring to in your comment, "Having tourists on Cuban beaches is not going to achieve democratic change in Cuba," there is more to tourism than just beaches.

A "Tourist" Visa, is simply, the "No particluar reason" Visa. When you apply for a visa, and you have not given any prior thought, or reason for your visit, you check the "Tourist" box. This can be because you are there for pleasure only and not business or diplomacy, or that you do not intend to give away any more information as to the nature of your visit. It's also a polite gesture of the host country that they are happy to welcome you, without preconditions.

By experience I have found that travel is one of the principal mechanisms by which people and cultures exchange information and ideas and build trust.

If you do not believe me, just ask any project manager about the difference between face-to-face meetings and teleconferences. Every year companies spend billions of dollars flying their employees around the world because they recognize the significance of face-to-face collaboration. Without face to face interaction, groups of people become mistrusting, and lose the ability to communicate and empathize on a personal level.

For Cuba, tourism is undoubtedly making a positive impact on their economy, and the lives of everyday Cuba citizens. Take Rene, for example, the host of my casa particular (hostel, in tourist-speak). Rene is handicapped, and so his opportunities in the workforce are limited, but he does run a hostel for tourists out of his home, where he has an opportunity to earn a living and enjoy the fruits of his labor. In addition to revenue from hostels like his, money from other parts of the tourism industry such as restaurants gets reinvested into the community through public-private partnerships like the Habanaguanex S.A. project. The Habanaguanex project has done a remarkable job of both bringing economic growth to the impoverished area of Habana Vieja, and also to promote by examples, the benefit of free-market capitalism.

You mentioned that you are concerned about the Cuban government's record on human rights violations. Are there human rights violations comitted by the Cuban government on their people?Absolutely.

Cuban residents do not enjoy nearly the same economic freedoms enjoyed by residents of Hong Kong, or Singapore, which are much better examples of societies which have embraced free-market capitalism. A Cuban worker may see up to 50% of his pay sent to the government to promote social programs such as universal healthcare and education. They also are not as free to speak out about their government, a priveledge that I'm sure many free citizens aroud the world take for granted.

This lack of adherence to human rights by the Cuban government is not a justifiable reason to impose on US citizens right to travel, or to refuse to maintain any form of diplomatic and trade relations with Cuba.

If you were to truly believe that the current US position on Cuba is the appropriate way to deal with human rights violations, then I challenge you to propose a bill to end all diplomatic, travel, and trade relations with China, Liberia, Sudan, Zimbabwe, Myanmar, Saudi Arabia, and all other countries with poor human rights record. It is also hyocritical of the U.S. to tout adherence to free-market capitalism, when the US government will be spending almost 2/3 of it's taxpayers money on socialist entitlement programs such as Social Security and Medicare in 2010, with much of those programs being subsidized by debt from China, a communist country with a poor record of human rights and free speech.

The actions of Fidel Castro and other in the 1959 Cuban Revolution were certainly wrong by any absolute standard. They robbed good standing Cuban citizens of their wealth, and imprisoned those who opposed their regime. I am from South Florida, and have many friends who are Cuban Americans, and have heard the stories that I'm sure you have heard from your Cuban American constituents who were victims of the revolution.

While these victims do harbor ill feelings towards the Castro regime, they also have compassion, and a true desire to heal those wounds, and reconnect with family they left decades ago. My Cuban American friends support lifting the travel ban, and will see you as a leader in their community if you look not for ways to engage in hostile threats and embargos, but by giving US citizens the opportunity to freely speak to the residents in Cuba about how the US and Cuba can benefit from a new relationship. America also have a tremendous opportunity to lead by example by showing the Cuban administration how free-market capitalism can help them, through projects like the Habanaguanex restoration.

I have spoken with the Cuban citizens in Cuba, and Cuban US citizens, and they are both ready for a renewed cooperative relationship, but before any real democratic change can happen in Cuba, the US travel restrictions must be lifted, and "the fist has to unclench".

A report on the Habanaguanex restoration project: Winners and Losers in restoring old Havana, Joseph L. Scarpaci, Jr.
http://lanic.utexas.edu/la/cb/cuba/asce/cuba10/scarpaci.pdf

Tourist provide eyewitness account of the Chinese crackdown in Tibet
http://www.wibw.com/nationalnews/headlines/16681301.html

Freedom of Travel, a fundamental human right.

Everyone has the right to leave any country, including his own, and to return to his country.

Article 13 Universial Declaration of Human Rights
http://www.un.org/Overview/rights.html

Pursuit of happiness, an unalienable right to all men

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal,
that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights,
that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness

Declaration of Independence
http://www.ushistory.org/Declaration/document/index.htm

--
Taylor Weston Hickem
taylor.hickem@gmail.com
404 625 9192

Chinese = black (according to South Africa)

"In a landmark ruling the Pretoria High Court accepted the Chinese as a “previously disadvantaged” group. This means that – at least in legal terms – Chinese South Africans will now be included in the definition of black people in legislation covering lucrative black economic empowerment (BEE) deals."

From The Times

June 19, 2008

We agree that you are black, South African court tells Chinese

The Chinese, who first came to South Africa when gold was discovered in the 1870s, welcomed the ruling

Jonathan Clayton in Johannesburg

They have already taken over much of the continent’s economy. Now they have gone one step farther. The Chinese in South Africa were officially declared “black” yesterday.

In a landmark ruling the Pretoria High Court accepted the Chinese as a “previously disadvantaged” group. This means that – at least in legal terms – Chinese South Africans will now be included in the definition of black people in legislation covering lucrative black economic empowerment (BEE) deals.

The controversial BEE policy, under which large companies have to surrender a percentage of their equity to black-run entities, is aimed at reversing decades of apartheid bias. It covers Africans, Coloureds (mixed-race people) and Indians but has been criticised widely as a politically correct form of theft by ruling party cronies.

Under white minority rule the Chinese were classified as Coloureds. In a decision that illustrated the difficulty of applying racial segregation Japanese people were given “honorary white” status – partly because they were wealthier and fewer in number than the Chinese.

Related Links

• 'Cappuccino' empowerment that left a bitter aftertaste

When the Broad-Based Black Economic Empowerment Act and the Employment Equity Act, the two BEE legislative pillars, were adopted, the Chinese were left out and claimed that they had been discriminated against twice – first by the whites, now by the blacks.

The ruling yesterday is the culmination of an eight-year struggle by the Chinese Association of South Africa (Casa) to obtain clarity from the Government as to the status of Chinese people since the end of white rule in 1994. Patric Chong, the chairman of Casa, said: “As Chinese South Africans we were officially classified as ‘Coloured’ and suffered under the same discriminatory laws prior to 1994. The logical inference was thus that Chinese South Africans would automatically qualify for the same benefits as the ‘Coloured’ group, post1994. This was not the case and Chinese South Africans suffered a second round of unfair discrimination.”

None of the government departments, cited as respondents in the case brought by CASA, opposed the application.

The first Chinese came to South Africa in the 1870s after gold was discovered. They remain one of the most politically marginalised and separate communities in South Africa today. Critics maintain that the community, which numbers several thousand, wanted to use a legal loophole to board the BEE bandwagon.

Suspicion of China has grown in the past decade as its influence on the continent has increased. Trade between Africa and China has risen to more than £20 billion since 2000. South Africa is China’s largest African trading partner. In 1990 bilateral trade was worth £750 million. Today it stands at more than £3 billion.

Many commentators fear it is a one-way relationship, in which China takes advantage of corrupt leaders to clinch deals that are not in the long-term interests of Africa. Others point to the willingness of China to sell arms and overlook human rights abuses.

The lawyers for Casa welcomed the court ruling, saying that for the first time in years Chinese South Africans had a firm legal status in society.

Chinese in South Africa

47 million Population of South Africa

20,000 Estimated number of people with Chinese origins

63,000 Chinese labourers who were sent to revive the South African gold mines in 1904

Sources: Colour, Confusion and Concessions: The History of the Chinese in South Africa by Melanie Yap and Dianne Leong Man

Atlanta cracking down on "Saggy Pants"

Apparently in the midst of one of the worst economic conditions in modern times, the city of Atlanta is demonstrating its ability to focus on the immediate problems by raising the issue of exposed underpants to the public attention. Currently the city is about to put up legislation that would make wearing baggy pants illegal.

Whereas, the dress fad of wearing log hanging/saggy pants which expose one's underwear is becoming a major concern for communities, cities, and states around the country [. . .]

(a) It shall be unlawful for any person to appear in public wearing pants below the waist which exposes the skin or undergarments.

(b) Any person convicted of violating the provisions of this section shall be punished by a fine not to exceed $100.00 plus up to eight hours of work on the public streets of the city

FULL TEXT of the proposition
http://apps.atlantaga.gov/citycouncil/2007/Images/Proposed/07o1800.pdf

Obama Administration - Economic Recovery Meeting - Forest Park, GA - SAT 07 FEB 2009 14:00

For anyone interested in learning more about the economic recovery plan, and adding your thoughts to the effort, join me and others for an 

Economic Recovery Meeting 

SAT 07 FEB 2009 14:00

Golden Gate Restaurant (Forest Park, GA)

4325 Jonesboro Rd.

Forest Park, GA 30294 

as we 

1.  Watch a 10 minute video from the Obama Administration explaining the economic stimulus bill and how it will impact you.

2.  Discuss amongst the attendees of the house meeting the topics covered in the stimulus bill, and what actions and recommendations the house group can add to the overall stimulus effort.

If you plan on coming, go to the event website 

http://my.barackobama.com/page/event/detail/gptd8w

and RSVP so that the host will be able to make the necessary preparations ahead of time.

I heard about this event from an email sent to me from "President Barack Obama" that starts with

Taylor --

The economic crisis is growing more serious every day, and the time for action has come.

Given that I have taken an interest in the growing economic crisis, I read on.  The email provided a brief summary of the economic situation, the government's response, and what the administration is asking of me, and everyone affected by the economic crisis and recovery plan,

I've also taken steps to ensure an unprecedented level of transparency and accountability. Once it's passed, you will be able to see how every penny in this plan is being spent.

You can help restore confidence in our economy by making sure your friends, family, and neighbors understand how the recovery plan will impact your community.

Sign up to host or attend an Economic Recovery House Meeting and submit your question for the video now:

http://my.barackobama.com/recovery

So, I checked out the website, and found that the Administration did a very good job of setting up this website and house meeting plan, as well as giving good guidelines on how to make the most out of the meetings, such as how to organize the event, prepare materials, suggested activities and schedule for the events, and recommendations on how to followup after the event to make sure that your ideas and efforts are carried over into the overall effort.

I did some searching, and there are several house events taking place in and around the Metro Atlanta Area.  Some of them are very simple - just watch the video -while others are more creative in combining this activity with other interests that they support, such as community outreach.  I tried to find a house meeting that I felt would provide an opportunity for productive discussion on the topics, and constructive conclusions and reccomendations for the administration to incorporate into their implementation of the overall recovery plan.

I came across this house meeting in Forest Park, GA (south of the Atlanta airport) that looked like it would be the most likely to facilitate constructive discussion, since they will have a copy of the bill, and highlighted their emphasis on bi-partisainship, which is a major agenda of the Obama Administration and is necessary for any real positive change to come out of this plan.  

Events

Find An Event | Plan An Event | Manage Your Events |Report Objectionable Content

  

THE DETAILS

Let's Get America Working Again (Economic Recovery Meeting)

This meeting is for people who live in Forest Park, Conley (Clayton County) and Lake City. We will discuss the Economic Recovery Package and how we can help president Obama get it through with bi-partisan support. We will have a summary of the bill. The actual bill is 600+ pages in length.

Time:	Saturday, February 7 from 2:00 PM - 4:00 PM
Host:	Hadayai Majeed
Contact Phone:	404 608-8649
Location:	Golden Gate Restaurant (Forest Park, GA) 4325 Jonesboro Rd. Forest Park, GA 30294 Maps:  Google Maps   MapQuest   Yahoo! Maps
Directions:	Call (404) 608-8649 or (404) 684-0016 for directions.
Associated Groups:	African Americans for Obama, Environmentalists for Obama, Georgians for Obama,Obama the South, SouthmetroAtlantaforObama, Veterans for Obama

SIGNUP FOR 'LET'S GET AMERICA WORKING AGAIN'

Will you attend:   Yes, I will attend.  No, I will not attend.  How many attendees total:  (incl. yourself) Add a comment: (optional) Your comment will be sent to the event host. Please sign me up for an account Your First Name: Your Last Name: Zip Code: Email Address: Password: Password (again): I already have an account >" style="padding-top: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; margin-top: 5px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 5px; margin-left: 0px; ">

OTHER SIGNUPS

4 people have signed up to attend this event. 
The capacity limit is 21 attendees.

New addition to your diet : Dirt

I'm speechless . . .

Babies Know: A Little Dirt Is Good for You
By JANE E. BRODY

Published: January 26, 2009  New York Times

Ask mothers why babies are constantly picking things up from the floor or ground and putting them in their mouths, and chances are they’ll say that it’s instinctive — that that’s how babies explore the world. But why the mouth, when sight, hearing, touch and even scent are far better at identifying things?

Greg Neill

When my young sons were exploring the streets of Brooklyn, I couldn’t help but wonder how good crushed rock or dried dog droppings could taste when delicious mashed potatoes were routinely rejected.

Since all instinctive behaviors have an evolutionary advantage or they would not have been retained for millions of years, chances are that this one too has helped us survive as a species. And, indeed, accumulating evidence strongly suggests that eating dirt is good for you.

In studies of what is called the hygiene hypothesis, researchers are concluding that organisms like the millions of bacteria, viruses and especially worms that enter the body along with “dirt” spur the development of a healthy immune system. Several continuing studies suggest that worms may help to redirect an immune system that has gone awry and resulted in autoimmune disorders, allergies and asthma.

These studies, along with epidemiological observations, seem to explain why immune system disorders like multiple sclerosis, Type 1 diabetes, inflammatory bowel disease, asthma and allergies have risen significantly in the United States and other developed countries.

Training the Immune System

“What a child is doing when he puts things in his mouth is allowing his immune response to explore his environment,” Mary Ruebush, a microbiology and immunology instructor, wrote in her new book, “Why Dirt Is Good” (Kaplan). “Not only does this allow for ‘practice’ of immune responses, which will be necessary for protection, but it also plays a critical role in teaching the immature immune response what is best ignored.”

One leading researcher, Dr. Joel V. Weinstock, the director of gastroenterology and hepatology at Tufts Medical Center in Boston, said in an interview that the immune system at birth “is like an unprogrammed computer. It needs instruction.”

He said that public health measures like cleaning up contaminated water and food have saved the lives of countless children, but they “also eliminated exposure to many organisms that are probably good for us.”

“Children raised in an ultraclean environment,” he added, “are not being exposed to organisms that help them develop appropriate immune regulatory circuits.”

Studies he has conducted with Dr. David Elliott, a gastroenterologist and immunologist at the University of Iowa, indicate that intestinal worms, which have been all but eliminated in developed countries, are “likely to be the biggest player” in regulating the immune system to respond appropriately, Dr. Elliott said in an interview. He added that bacterial and viral infections seem to influence the immune system in the same way, but not as forcefully.

Most worms are harmless, especially in well-nourished people, Dr. Weinstock said.

“There are very few diseases that people get from worms,” he said. “Humans have adapted to the presence of most of them.”

Worms for Health

In studies in mice, Dr. Weinstock and Dr. Elliott have used worms to both prevent and reverse autoimmune disease. Dr. Elliott said that in Argentina, researchers found that patients with multiple sclerosis who were infected with the human whipworm had milder cases and fewer flare-ups of their disease over a period of four and a half years. At the University of Wisconsin, Madison, Dr. John Fleming, a neurologist, is testing whether the pig whipworm can temper the effects of multiple sclerosis.

In Gambia, the eradication of worms in some villages led to children’s having increased skin reactions to allergens, Dr. Elliott said. And pig whipworms, which reside only briefly in the human intestinal tract, have had “good effects” in treating the inflammatory bowel diseases, Crohn’s disease and ulcerative colitis, he said.

How may worms affect the immune system? Dr. Elliott explained that immune regulation is now known to be more complex than scientists thought when the hygiene hypothesis was first introduced by a British epidemiologist, David P. Strachan, in 1989. Dr. Strachan noted an association between large family size and reduced rates of asthma and allergies. Immunologists now recognize a four-point response system of helper T cells: Th 1, Th 2, Th 17 and regulatory T cells. Th 1 inhibits Th 2 and Th 17; Th 2 inhibits Th 1 and Th 17; and regulatory T cells inhibit all three, Dr. Elliott said.

“A lot of inflammatory diseases — multiple sclerosis, Crohn’s disease, ulcerative colitis and asthma — are due to the activity of Th 17,” he explained. “If you infect mice with worms, Th 17 drops dramatically, and the activity of regulatory T cells is augmented.”

In answer to the question, “Are we too clean?” Dr. Elliott said: “Dirtiness comes with a price. But cleanliness comes with a price, too. We’re not proposing a return to the germ-filled environment of the 1850s. But if we properly understand how organisms in the environment protect us, maybe we can give a vaccine or mimic their effects with some innocuous stimulus.”

Wash in Moderation

Dr. Ruebush, the “Why Dirt Is Good” author, does not suggest a return to filth, either. But she correctly points out that bacteria are everywhere: on us, in us and all around us. Most of these micro-organisms cause no problem, and many, like the ones that normally live in the digestive tract and produce life-sustaining nutrients, are essential to good health.

“The typical human probably harbors some 90 trillion microbes,” she wrote. “The very fact that you have so many microbes of so many different kinds is what keeps you healthy most of the time.”

Dr. Ruebush deplores the current fetish for the hundreds of antibacterial products that convey a false sense of security and may actually foster the development of antibiotic-resistant, disease-causing bacteria. Plain soap and water are all that are needed to become clean, she noted.

“I certainly recommend washing your hands after using the bathroom, before eating, after changing a diaper, before and after handling food,” and whenever they’re visibly soiled, she wrote. When no running water is available and cleaning hands is essential, she suggests an alcohol-based hand sanitizer.

Dr. Weinstock goes even further. “Children should be allowed to go barefoot in the dirt, play in the dirt, and not have to wash their hands when they come in to eat,” he said. He and Dr. Elliott pointed out that children who grow up on farms and are frequently exposed to worms and other organisms from farm animals are much less likely to develop allergies and autoimmune diseases.

Also helpful, he said, is to “let kids have two dogs and a cat,” which will expose them to intestinal worms that can promote a healthy immune system.

U.N. Aquires Nukes

Humorous spoof-article from "The Onion" toying with the idea of a nuclear- capable UN.

The article Highlights the irony of the UN's attempts at playing an active role in nuclear non-proliferation -with nuclear weapons being the ultimate symbol of a country's sovereignty - in contrast with the UN's denial of it's own sovereignty in the charter documents, and weak ability to enforce it's own resolutions.

My favorite is the "peace mural" down in the underground bunker :P

NEW YORK—The United Nations, a highly organized governing body bent on world peace, has obtained a nuclear warhead and intends to use the dangerous device to pursue its radical human rights agenda, sources reported Monday.

The U.N. Headquarters in New York has flags from all over the world and enough uranium to wipe Israel off the map.

News of the nuclear weapon first surfaced late last week when the United Nation's own watchdog group, the International Atomic Energy Agency, released startling new satellite photos of the uranium-based device. Shortly thereafter, U.N. Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon issued a short and brazen list of demands, calling on all nations to "bow down at once to social progress."

"Tremble before the awesome might of this cooperative assembly of appointed representatives," said Ban, boldly holding a stack of diplomatic resolutions in his hand. "At last, when the United Nations calls for the development of more sustainable agricultural practices, the world at large will listen."

Added Ban, "We will no longer be ignored."

The warhead, an Oralloy U-235 thermonuclear detonator encased in a long-range ballistic missile, is believed to be currently housed beneath the parking lot of the U.N. complex in New York. According to Pentagon officials, it is likely that the United Nations has already tested the weapon, and may in fact be prepared to deploy it if its demands for global harmony are not met.

"All efforts are being made to engage this nationless threat in diplomatic talks, but so far, they remain uncooperative," U.S. Secretary of Homeland Security Michael Chertoff said. "However, I can assure you that the United States will not be pushed around. We will not be bullied into limiting our carbon-dioxide emissions or honoring the conditions established by the Geneva Conventions. The United Stateswill not bend."

Speaking at a press conference Tuesday, President Bush echoed Chertoff's sentiments."

This rogue group of unbiased mediators will not be tolerated," said Bush, who has promised to continue his eight-year pledge not to negotiate with the United Nations under any circumstances. "If the U.N. thinks it can force the world to appreciate the equality of all people and their right to live free of poverty, hunger, and inhumane treatment, I say to them, 'Bring it on.'"

While no country has admitted to selling enriched uranium to the United Nations, experts claimed that acquiring the necessary materials was probably fairly easy, as the U.N.'s own Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty has been largely disregarded since being signed in 1968."

The Russians, the Israelis, a rogue Pakistani arms trader—there are plenty of people out there who could have done it," said Katherine Boushie, a world politics professor at Columbia University. "After all, who knows better than the United Nations where someone can find nukes? They've spent years watching nation after nation illegally stockpile arms. Might have been what pissed them off, actually."

Despite outspoken concerns from many nations, including North Korea,Iran, and Serbia, Secretary-General Ban has assured the international community that the U.N.'s nuclear arsenal will only be used for deterrent purposes. Chief among these is deterring other countries from thinking they can sign a chemical weapons ban and then act like the whole thing never happened, and coming to the U.N. only when it's convenient or profitable for them to do so."

I will say this as clearly as I can, so you all can hear me," said Ban, his finger hovering inches away from the small red button on his podium. "Either attend the next Follow-up International Conference on Financing for Development to Review the Implementation of the Monterrey Consensus, or prepare to suffer the consequences."

Many, however, refuse to be intimidated by the peacekeeping organization's threats."

They're bluffing," Secretary of Defense Robert Gates said. "The United Nations is still 15 years away from a nuclear bomb. Hell, they're 20 years away from achieving universal primary school education, and knowing them, they'll probably focus on that first."